Where The Rubber Meets The Road

Yesterday, the California Supreme Court upheld Proposition Hate. Okay, Prop 8. Spot the difference if you can. Here, I give you my open letter to those who funded, supported, campaigned and voted for yet another attempt to create a precedent for second-class citizens:

“Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.” – Matthew 25:40

Is there something unclear about that passage? Are you so ignorant of the tenets of your own religion that you don’t even know what you’re doing? Or are you just scared shitless?
What is it, exactly, that frightens you so? Pee-pees and hoo-hoos being touched by the wrong gender, out of your sight or any other means of perception? Proof that people who are not like you live just as meaningful, rich, and productive lives as any other?

What you are doing is wrong. There is no argument for it that doesn’t immediately collapse under ten seconds of rational scrutiny. Your behaviors and actions are discredited by reason, science, precedent, history, compassion, and law. So, backed into a corner by all measures of merit and common sense, you cling to your so-called faith (which apparently is so weak that you must denounce the Founding Fathers as godless heathens for keeping church and state separate, and force your very distinct and irretrievably repugnant brand of cultism upon others so that you won’t feel insecure), again and again attempting to sit in judgment of others whom your god alone reserves the right to judge.

“Marriage” has become your latest shield, a threadbare veil to drape over the hate in your hearts. Of course, you tell yourself that you aren’t usurping the one true judge you claim to believe in, arrogantly insisting you know know his mind, and acting without his blessing as his terrible, swift sword; what you’re actually doing is defending “marriage.” A tradition, sacrosanct and pure. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

But your “tradition” of marriage lies at the end of another twisted path through the halls of history, as any historian can tell you that marriage came into being in order to gather wealth. For the umpteenth time, “marriage” is a contract rooted in wealth and property consolidation that was only made a “sacrament” because the clergy wanted more control of wealth and property. In that respect, it was no better than the corrupt and immoral Catholic “indulgences.” Marriage was a contract between two people and the state. Arguing on the basis of your religious beliefs is invalid and cowardly. First, our country was not founded on religious principles. Yes, many of the Founding Fathers were religious. Yes, similar wording can be found in religious texts. But the simple fact is, our country was founded on the principle of rule of law, and that law was deliberately made secular so that the government could not interfere with religious beliefs, and vice versa. Second (as if a second should be needed), as explained above, “marriage” is not the province of any, some, or all religion(s). Never has been; never will be. No religion or group of religions can lay claim to it. It came from Common Law, and to Common Law it will always belong. You have no “tradition” or “sacrament” that predates Common Law’s claim on marriage. You’re wrong. Get over it.

History also teaches us that homosexuality has been, is now, and ever will be, and you don’t “catch” it by being near gay people; thus (for example), the children that they raise will love whomever they desire regardless of their upbringing.

Alas, history and it’s students are just more heathens to add to the ever-growing majority of people who don’t think as you do.

Call it like it is, so-called defenders of “traditional marriage”. You just don’t like gay people. There’s nothing wrong with that. Nobody is going to – or will ever – force you to like another person. That’s your decision to make. And as such, attempts to cloak this dislike by calling on religion is pure and simple cowardice. Anyone who does this is a complete and total pussy. No; fuck you; you’re a pussy. A chickenshit who isn’t man or woman enough to stand up and say, “I just don’t like them, and I don’t want them being equal to me.”

And I know why you don’t do say that. We all do, even you. It’s because you will lose this battle over civil rights if you do. But if you had any guts at all, that’s what you would say.
So what if gay people could marry and adopt? It doesn’t mean you have to like it, or them. In fact, it will have no effect on your life whatsoever. You’ll go right on not liking them, and they’ll go right on living their lives, not giving a shit about you.

No historian, scientist, or gay person has ever invaded your home, forced you to abandon your beliefs, stolen your money, enslaved your children to a lifestyle you find repulsive, burned your dwelling to the ground, spit and hurled curses at you, and/or defiled your holy text(s) because of their “faith”.

Why, then, do you feel you must do unto others as they have never done unto you?
I think your friend Jesus might have said something about that, too.

I’ve been thinking about the Rapture. For those not in the know, the Rapture is an event believed by certain sects of the Christian cult to follow Armageddon, whereupon the chosen faithful will be plucked from the Earth and then will float up to heaven for an eternity of late-night Scrabble with the baby Jesus. Only, naked.

That’s the great part. They float up to heaven naked. It’s like floaty Christian porn. And being the repressed puritanical cult that they are, I imagine there’s going to be a lot of wood during the Rapture.

Of course, that means that if you believe in the Rapture, then you’re going to want to be pretty picky about who you recruit. Only young, good-looking people, because you’re going to have to see them naked. All the way to heaven. It’s not like it’s in the next room – we’re talking heaven, here – it’s pretty far away, I imagine. You don’t want to be floating for days beneath the old guy with the floppy, drooping balls. It’s the Rapture, after all; you are one of the chosen few. The old guy’s eight feet above you, and you’re getting teabagged all the way to heaven. You don’t want that.

Anyway, I hope that image keeps you until Jesus comes down to take all the stone-age, fundamentalist, delusional extremists away so they can stop breathing my good oxygen.

If you’ve never seen South Park, you’re missing the only heir to the long-vacated throne of satire. Not since All In The Family and The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour has a show unflinchingly taken on a sleeping public and the completely ludicrous horseshit they allow to pass unchecked.

If you think South Park is just fart jokes and foulmouthed cartoon (third and)fourth graders, then you are not paying attention. Take the episode, “Christians Are Retarded” for example.

The main thrust of the episode revolves around new Disney teen music sensations, the Jonas Brothers, and the rise in teen stars wearing “purity rings” (meaningless symbols of a commitment to remaining a virgin that fail 80% of the time) and running their callow mouths about their overly developed sense of pride in their overly valued virginity. The South Park boys (Matt and Trey, not Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Eric) then let it rip when Mickey Mouse stops by to rough up the Jonas Brothers and explain (in his trademark high-pitched voice and “huh-ha” laugh) to them why their misguided desire to ditch the purity rings will not be tolerated:

“Oh, gosh, fellas. Let me explain this to you one more time. You have to wear the purity rings, because that’s how we can sell sex to little girls. See, if we make the posters with little girls reaching for your junk (Here a typical band poster shows the Jonas Brothers on stage with the aforementioned not-too-subtle hands reaching out from the crowd toward their gyrating hips), then you have to wear purity rings, or else Disney Company looks bad.”

Later, when the (cartoon character) South Park boys try to stop the madness before it claims their friend Kenny, Mickey blows his stack and rants to the boys and the Jonas Brothers:

“You think God is in control here?!? I am in control! I’ve been in control since the fifties, in case you haven’t noticed! You three faggots (Jonas Brothers) are going on stage, and you three faggots (Stan, Kyle, and Eric) aren’t going to stop me! Nobody is ruining this event! I have worked too long and too hard to have anybody to fuck this up! Where would you be without me, Jonas Brothers? Your music sucks and you know it! It’s because you make little girls’ gineys tickle. And when little girls’ gineys tickle, I make money. And that’s because little girls are fucking stupid! And the purity rings make it okay to do whatever I want! Even the Christians are too fucking stupid to figure out I’m selling sex to their daughters! I’ve made billions off of Christian ignorance for decades. And do you know why?!? Because Christians are re-tard-ed. They believe in a talking dead guy!”

While it’s important for kids to have positive role models, those role models should be their parents. If not, then something is wrong, and Disney is hardly the best choice for a replacement – and a heavy-handed, force-fed replacement at that. The cynical profiteering off religious fervor and just plain ignorance has long been a cardinal sin of organized religion. Companies like Disney are even worse, and for once, someone pointed it out. And that’s why South Park is still relevant.

Happy Easter, one and all! Do you know where your pagan-tradition-cover-up is?

More accurately, happy Éostre-monath, the month of the Germanic calender dedicated to feasts celebrating Éostre, goddess of spring and fertility, from where we derive the modern word “Easter” and many of it’s odd traditions, including bunnies and eggs. Also, happy run-on-sentence day.

Of course, the ever-arrogant leaders of Western Christendom are infamous for their subversion/co-opting of pagan (and other) traditions and beliefs, but in this case, the culture-vultures came along during Christianity’s earlier, Jewish-rooted infancy. A “movable feast”, modern Easter has fallen on Nisan 14 of the Hebrew lunisolar calendar before (typically inclusive) Christian objections to the indignity of celebrating Easter based on Jewish tradition, whereupon it was moved and fixed to March 11 on the Julian calendar. After that, it gets muddier, as revision after revision set the date on various Sundays in the New (Revised Julian) Calendar and the Gregorian calendar. “Movable feast”, indeed. Those wacky protoChristians – they’re nothing if not consistent in their inconsistency.

The modern Easter, a hodgepodge of rebirth and fertility myths, includes hares (fertility), fasting (rebirth of the spirit), eggs (rebirth/fertility), whipping women or throwing cold water on them (suppression of rebirth/fertility under the guise of purification – another gift of religions around the world), water fights (your guess is as good as mine – Polish traditions are strange), and making lamb sculptures out of butter.
I’m sensing mixed messages.

Confused? You should be. Easter, like many pagan traditions co-opted by monotheistic religions, is a bloody mess. What was once an innocent celebration of renewal and fertility is now a murky stew of incomprehensible behaviors on seemingly random days, purportedly to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Why bother? Just get the kids some chocolate and call it a day.

Enjoy.

Let me start by saying that we have precious few Christians left in the United States. Oh, there’s a slobbering horde of people out there who call themselves “Christians”, but they are no more so than I am, and that’s saying something.
No, the aforementioned faux-holy host of complete wankers are not Christians. They’ve long since mutated into this elitist, gimmie-pig, me-first cult of complainers, puritanical thought-police, idolaters, and money-worshipers. I think of them as neo-xtians*.

I don’t need to present a mountain of evidence for the above claims. If I’d like, I can simply use the neo-xtians’ methodology, which is to baldly state assumptions with no supporting facts, and counter any dissent with a tantrum. You’ve probably seen this; when cornered, the neo-xtians curl up an wail, “Anti-Christians!” If it sounds familiar, it is. It’s the same pitiful refuge taken by the bleating commissar sheep of the right, with their “anti-American” horseshit.
But if I must, I can simply point to the thousands of examples all around us. From paparazzi shots of Britney Spears‘ ruined storm drain of a baby funnel to the latest superchurch Pied Piper flaming out in more ways than one, it has become abundantly clear that this country is badly in need of a better class of Christian.

Don’t look at me. Holding all religions in contempt hardly qualifies me to help.

Obviously, the same-old, same-old isn’t going well for the neo-xtians. Their shining examples crash and burn with a regularity that a dysentery sufferer would gape at. The Spears sisters didn’t turn out well, despite being glorified as paragons of virtue. Lindsay Lohan didn’t Bible-thump, but she had a legion to do it for her. Similar disaster awaits every other snot-nose punk who thinks their opinions matter because they get their picture taken a lot. The Jonas Brothers will be in a bukkake video with a pound of blow on the table in the background; mark my words.
(By the way, I get it when underage famous people advocate putting off sex. However lame, it’s at least an attempt to spread moderation. But once they reach eighteen, it’s time to shut the fuck up. Let’s be clear; being a virgin does not make you “pure”. It makes you “bad at sex”. Virginity pledges fail 75% of the time. Deal.)

I saw a commercial recently for a pendant that displays a magnified Lord’s Prayer when stared at until your retina detaches. Also, you apparently get a creepy look of divine glee on your face when you do see it. I’d link a picture here, but none of the online pics I’ve found show how truly gaudy this trinket is. This commercial says just about everything you need to know about the neo-xtians, but because I’m an asshole, I’ll go on. It makes me laugh every year when the neo-xtians stamp their feet and screech about their precious graven images nativity scenes. Do they have no sense of irony? Idolaters, every one.

Let’s be honest. There are evil people in the United States of America, and the most evil of the evil have chosen to camouflage themselves in this country’s most prickly and hysterical of religions. Bill Maher once said that our fanatics are better than their fanatics because ours are just funny. No, Bill. Ours are just as scary; it’s just that we have rule of law. If we didn’t (and the neo-xtians are working hard to rid us of it), they would be murdering people, blowing themselves up, committing genocide, and subjugating women – just like your “bad” fanatics.

Jesus Christ (fictitious or not) was – above all – a good Jew. Also, he was black, which is neither here nor there, except that it pisses off the neo-xtians. Poor, wretched, heathen, sinner – he (supposedly) loved them all. Even the neo-xtians say, “God hates fags”, and not, “Jesus hates fags”. And with good reason. If they had those kind of balls, they’d be lopped off. Many Americans take their caucasian hippy Jesus seriously, and thus, when it comes to the hypocritical neo-xtians, Jesus Saves, But God Will Fuck You Up.

It’s kind of sad that the very traits that make true Christians admirable also keep them from weeding out the vile and depraved among them. To paraphrase The Daily Show writing staff, it is the eternal fate of the noble end enlightened: to be brutally crushed by the armed and dumb.

Just sayin’.

*Totally ripped off Dan Savage, here.