Real Endings For Children’s Songs, Part 4

This is a short one, but it springs to mind whenever I am called to duty.

The itsy bitsy spider
Crawled up the water spout.
Down came the rain
And washed the spider out.
Out came the sun
And dried up all the rain,
And the itsy bitsy spider heard the horrible shriek of my wife as she ran away, and five minutes later, I killed it with a paper towel.

The End.

Real Endings For Children’s Songs, Part 3

This song is incredibly annoying. Perhaps that explains the ending.

The wheels on the bus go round and round,
round and round,
round and round.
The wheels on the bus go round and round,
all through the town.

The wipers on the bus go, Swish, swish, swish;
Swish, swish, swish;
Swish, swish, swish.
The wipers on the bus go, Swish, swish, swish,
all through the town.

The horn on the bus goes, Beep, beep, beep;
Beep, beep, beep;
Beep, beep, beep.
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Real Endings For Children’s Songs, Part 2

Today, we examine “The Diarrhea Song.” I think you’ll find the ending more appropriately reflects the innumerable verses of this song…

When you’re sliding into first
And your pants begin to burst
Diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re sliding into two
And your pants are filled with goo
Diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re sliding into third
And you feel a greasy turd
Diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re sliding into home
And the paramedics come
And you’re bursting capillaries
From your chronic dysentery
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Real Endings For Children’s Songs, Part 1

I’ve had a lot of schooling in children’s songs. As a child, I sang them, and as an adult, I still sing them. Only louder and more annoyingly. Also, Noelle’s little buds have sung a few of their own.
But being children’s songs, they do tend to get a little boring, so more often than any dignified adult should, I find myself thinking of alternative lyrics, most of which I eventually sing to Gabe, Samara, and Noelle. Take today’s song, for example. “Five Little Monkeys” has also been called “(Insert random number) Little Monkeys”, but I’ll stick to the … There’s more of this shit. Click here.

A Blog. Or A Diary. Maybe A Journal. I Don’t Know.

Though our 6 year-old girl celebrated her birthday in August, I’d forgotten about this one item until I found the scrap of paper it had been written on today.

Being that children are notoriously picky and indecisive, I had a plan for Samara’s 6th birthday dinner. (We do the whole-day birthday thing, perhaps as a buffer of future memory against the growing disappointment with birthdays in general as adulthood approaches.) Anyway, I decided to sit down with Samara and draw up a birthday menu of sorts.
Knowing full well about the aforementioned pickiness and indecisiveness, I … There’s more of this shit. Click here.