Daddy Daughter Dance Downer

Horizon Elementary’s Daddy/Daughter Dance, 02/15/13.

First, the chicken dance. That beaked thing in the middle of the ring of girls is “Hootie”, the Horizon Elementary mascot. Hootie the what? I know owls. Owls are friends of mine. And you, sir, are no fucking owl.

I was one of at least a dozen grown men who groaned when they announced that “Hootie was coming out.” We were all thinking the same two things:
A) If he’s doing appearances at elementary-school dances, he should get back with the Blowfish, and
B) Is this really the time to announce that … There’s more of this shit. Click here.

Not The Laurence Fishburne Version

It’s quarter to four in the morning, and my body has tipped over the insomnia waterfall, ready to plunge into the weird, waking world of the sleep deprived.

Noelle took the brunt of the day shift, so it was left to me to see Gabe off to sleep. After the meningitis scare, we are extra twitchy about his every ache and sniffle. We try not to let it show. But when I ran out to collect Gabe from school Wednesday afternoon, his stomach was painful and sour, and his head ached. This is how it began last … There’s more of this shit. Click here.

Real Endings For Children’s Songs, Part 4

This is a short one, but it springs to mind whenever I am called to duty.

The itsy bitsy spider
Crawled up the water spout.
Down came the rain
And washed the spider out.
Out came the sun
And dried up all the rain,
And the itsy bitsy spider heard the horrible shriek of my wife as she ran away, and five minutes later, I killed it with a paper towel.

The End.

…And In Health (Part Two)

As detailed in my previous post, Gabe has been hospitalized with a rather nasty and heretofore unknown illness.

The first doctor we (in this case, my wife, as I drew Samara-watching duty) encountered was the sort of medical “professional” I’ve come to know and love. Blithely dismissing Gabe’s many complaints – particularly that of pain – he gave our boy a cursory pat down and insisted that a simple IV of fluids would do the trick. The problem, you see, was dehydration, he seemed to believe, no testing or labs necessary; give him some fluids and he’ll … There’s more of this shit. Click here.

In Sickness…. (Part One)

It began with a cough, and went downhill from there.

We didn’t worry overmuch when Gabe started coughing. After all, it was the beginning of the school year, and illness spreads like wildfire in the first few weeks. A cold or flu was not unexpected, and those expectations were realized when a short-term flu ran through our house, with Samara the principle recipient. In a six-hour span, she was in the bathroom no less than fifteen times. But as quickly as it had come, it vanished.

Gabe continued to cough. We began to worry. … There’s more of this shit. Click here.