One of the byproducts of the internet social latticework – particularly Myspace and Facebook – is the resurgence of the middle-school-style questionnaire. Now, there is good to be had (One questionnaire you put to your child for a Kids Say the Darndest Things sort of result. Cheesy, but cute.), but there is also an unfortunate tendency for the list to all-too-closely resemble their 8th-grade ancestors.
I generally avoid them altogether, but on occasion, I indulge my sarcastic nature by running one through the gauntlet of mocking demons that live in my head. Here follows some of my favorite questions and answers:
1. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
No, I just ram it into the nearest car.
2. If abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?
Probably not, since the only wilderness left is on another planet.
3. Do you like to ride horses?
Do I look like a woman?
4. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?
I doubt I could date someone with any religious beliefs at all.
5. Watching right now?
My computer monitor. Look! Letters are appearing! There they are again!
6. Use three words to describe yourself?
Why(1) Should(2) I(3)?
7. Do any songs make you cry?
We Built This City – Starship. You can guess why.
8. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
Yes. Point another gun at it and squeeze the trigger.
9. What is your favorite children’s book?
Why Did Uncle Ronnie Touch Me There?
10. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
Who gives a shit? It’s the Olive Garden.
11. When was the last time you were at Church?
12. How long does it take you in the shower?
To do what? Depends on the conditioner and my mood.
13. Can you do a split?
Yeah. A BANANA SPLIT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
14. If you could fast forward your life would you?
No. That’s called “suicide.”
15. Do you think The Grudge was scary?
I think it’s box office numbers were.
16. What do you buy at the movies?
A ticket to see one.
17. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
My penis was there.
18. What was your school mascot?
A drunken JV football player with a mullet and a No Fat Chicks bumper sticker on his life-sized Hot Wheels™ truck that blares You Shook Me All Night Long as it rolls past so they can yell, “Faggot!” out the window to strangers.
19. What do you and your parents fight about most?
The World Heavyweight Title
20. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?
I need a girlfriend/girlfriend/girlfriend to be happy.
21. If you could have any job what would it be?
22. What food could you eat for 2 weeks straight and not get sick of it?
23. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
24. Favorite Holiday?
Billie, followed closely by Doc.
25. First place you went this morning?
Morning? What is this “morning” you speak of, gentle stranger?
26. It’s four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
Someone who likes being verbally abused for texting me at 4:00 AM.
27. What kind of job do you do now?
Being stared at malevolently by roomfuls of strangers who don’t appreciate it when you mock their favorite things. For money.
28. Were you considered a flirt?
In the same way that the Pacific Ocean is considered slightly damp.
29. What is the best part of your day?
The end of these questions.
Snappy Answers To Stupid Questions,