One day, when we’ve grown up as a species, we’ll teach our children the valuable lessons we deny them out of a backward sense of propriety. Here, the, is a list of things I propose we keep away from future generations:
5. Certain types of sushi.
4. Cheap cigars. Hey, if you’re a soulless empty-suited vampire who is living fat off the misery of others, I get that you might want to kick back and fire up a fat Cuban and chuckle over your ill-gotten spoils. But if you’re eating Ramen and hot dogs because you can’t afford mac & cheese, take that 47¢ Swisher Sweet out of your mouth. You’re fooling nobody.
3. Whitening strips/gel/etc. Stop with the age-defying bullshit. It’s the same faux-eternal-youth, Baby Boomer, narcissistic, gimmie-pig assholery that has landed us in the shit we’re in right now, and will only leave you as an octogenarian cyborg freak. Cut it out.
2. Carolyn Ruford. Ex-girlfriend. You don’t know her.
1. Bran muffins. Because if you eat bran muffins, then you’re an asshole. I know, you’re thinking, “Hey! I eat bran muffins, and I’m not an asshole.” Well, you’re wrong. Asshole.
This message is brought to you by the Department of Hatin’.
Top Five Things Not To Put In Your Mouth,