Top Five Things Not To Put In Your Mouth

One day, when we’ve grown up as a species, we’ll teach our children the valuable lessons we deny them out of a backward sense of propriety. Here, the, is a list of things I propose we keep away from future generations:

5. Certain types of sushi.

4. Cheap cigars. Hey, if you’re a soulless empty-suited vampire who is living fat off the misery of others, I get that you might want to kick back and fire up a fat Cuban and chuckle over your ill-gotten spoils. But if you’re eating Ramen and hot dogs because you can’t afford mac & cheese, take that 47¢ Swisher Sweet out of your mouth. You’re fooling nobody.

3. Whitening strips/gel/etc. Stop with the age-defying bullshit. It’s the same faux-eternal-youth, Baby Boomer, narcissistic, gimmie-pig assholery that has landed us in the shit we’re in right now, and will only leave you as an octogenarian cyborg freak. Cut it out.

2. Carolyn Ruford. Ex-girlfriend. You don’t know her.

1. Bran muffins. Because if you eat bran muffins, then you’re an asshole. I know, you’re thinking, “Hey! I eat bran muffins, and I’m not an asshole.” Well, you’re wrong. Asshole.

This message is brought to you by the Department of Hatin’.

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