Who Moved My Jeez?
Let me start by saying that we have precious few Christians left in the United States. Oh, there’s a slobbering horde of people out there who call themselves “Christians”, but they are no more so than I am, and that’s saying something.
No, the aforementioned faux-holy host of complete wankers are not Christians. They’ve long since mutated into this elitist, gimmie-pig, me-first cult of complainers, puritanical thought-police, idolaters, and money-worshipers. I think of them as neo-xtians*.
I don’t need to present a mountain of evidence for the above claims. If I’d like, I can simply use the neo-xtians’ methodology, which is to baldly state assumptions with no supporting facts, and counter any dissent with a tantrum. You’ve probably seen this; when cornered, the neo-xtians curl up an wail, “Anti-Christians!” If it sounds familiar, it is. It’s the same pitiful refuge taken by the bleating commissar sheep of the right, with their “anti-American” horseshit.
But if I must, I can simply point to the thousands of examples all around us. From paparazzi shots of Britney Spears‘ ruined storm drain of a baby funnel to the latest superchurch Pied Piper flaming out in more ways than one, it has become abundantly clear that this country is badly in need of a better class of Christian.
Don’t look at me. Holding all religions in contempt hardly qualifies me to help.
Obviously, the same-old, same-old isn’t going well for the neo-xtians. Their shining examples crash and burn with a regularity that a dysentery sufferer would gape at. The Spears sisters didn’t turn out well, despite being glorified as paragons of virtue. Lindsay Lohan didn’t Bible-thump, but she had a legion to do it for her. Similar disaster awaits every other snot-nose punk who thinks their opinions matter because they get their picture taken a lot. The Jonas Brothers will be in a bukkake video with a pound of blow on the table in the background; mark my words.
(By the way, I get it when underage famous people advocate putting off sex. However lame, it’s at least an attempt to spread moderation. But once they reach eighteen, it’s time to shut the fuck up. Let’s be clear; being a virgin does not make you “pure”. It makes you “bad at sex”. Virginity pledges fail 75% of the time. Deal.)
I saw a commercial recently for a pendant that displays a magnified Lord’s Prayer when stared at until your retina detaches. Also, you apparently get a creepy look of divine glee on your face when you do see it. I’d link a picture here, but none of the online pics I’ve found show how truly gaudy this trinket is. This commercial says just about everything you need to know about the neo-xtians, but because I’m an asshole, I’ll go on. It makes me laugh every year when the neo-xtians stamp their feet and screech about their precious graven images nativity scenes. Do they have no sense of irony? Idolaters, every one.
Let’s be honest. There are evil people in the United States of America, and the most evil of the evil have chosen to camouflage themselves in this country’s most prickly and hysterical of religions. Bill Maher once said that our fanatics are better than their fanatics because ours are just funny. No, Bill. Ours are just as scary; it’s just that we have rule of law. If we didn’t (and the neo-xtians are working hard to rid us of it), they would be murdering people, blowing themselves up, committing genocide, and subjugating women – just like your “bad” fanatics.
Jesus Christ (fictitious or not) was – above all – a good Jew. Also, he was black, which is neither here nor there, except that it pisses off the neo-xtians. Poor, wretched, heathen, sinner – he (supposedly) loved them all. Even the neo-xtians say, “God hates fags”, and not, “Jesus hates fags”. And with good reason. If they had those kind of balls, they’d be lopped off. Many Americans take their caucasian hippy Jesus seriously, and thus, when it comes to the hypocritical neo-xtians, Jesus Saves, But God Will Fuck You Up.
It’s kind of sad that the very traits that make true Christians admirable also keep them from weeding out the vile and depraved among them. To paraphrase The Daily Show writing staff, it is the eternal fate of the noble end enlightened: to be brutally crushed by the armed and dumb.
Just sayin’.
*Totally ripped off Dan Savage, here.
Tags: Criticism, Culture, Musings, Random Verbiage, Randy Just Being An Asshole, Religion
This entry was posted on Monday, March 23rd, 2009 at 10:05 PM and is filed under Random Abuse. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.