Where The Rubber Meets The Road

Ladies and gentlemen, there will be no revolution.
All revolutionary activities have been canceled.
The rights to the revolution have been bought, and instead of the revolution, you will be shown a television movie-of-the-week version of the revolution on ABC, CBS, NBC, FOX, and Spike TV, with the following notes and/or changes our focus groups have responded well to:

1. Your new oppressors are poor brown people in foreign countries. Trust us, this works in the movie, because we say it no less than three thousand times while offering up straw-man “opposing” points of view, like arguing the degree to which poor brown people oppress you, as opposed to challenging the claim outright.
2. Your new revolutionaries are privileged white people who are down with Jesus big time – but in a hip, Joan of Arcadia kind of way. They alone have the courage to bemoan anti-Christian sentiment while promoting Christian values such as killing doctors.
3. The revolutionaries will be played by The Jonas Brothers, Miley Cyrus, Jim Caviezel, and Alyson and Amanda Michalka.
4. Soundtrack for the revolution will include Aly & AJ, Miley Cyrus, Creed, The Jonas Brothers, John Mayer featuring K-Fed, and a brand new song by the reanimated 98 Degrees*!
5. The Hurricane Katrina and World Trade Center victims did not test well, and were replaced with a subplot involving a sweetly retarded Wal-Mart employee named Teddy who tries to “make it on his own.” In an Emmy™ sure-shot tour de force, he is played by Kirk Cameron. His love interest, who falls for him in Bible study, is played by Mel Gibson in drag, since Cameron won’t kiss female actors.
6. The revolution will be sponsored by Pepsi™, Coors™, Boeing™, New Buzzword-Flavored Doritos™, and The Gap™. (Keep a sharp eye out for a cameo by Audrey Hepburn!)
7. The scene involving former President Clinton will remain. The events were drawn directly from State Department official documents, which mention Clinton’s name. All other events have been “rendered” for narrative flow. For the sake of the children, however, we would ask all parents to cover their children’s eyes and ears immediately following the Bill Clinton line, “This cigar is laced with coke, baby.” This is not a reference to Coca-Cola™. Pepsi™ wouldn’t allow it.
8. All references to the second Bush Administration have been removed per their request. They will instead be mentioned once, in a 37 second exposition, as “well-intended, but had their hands tied by the failures of their predecessors.”
9. Sparky, the beagle who plays “Sam The Watchdog”, was not harmed in the scene where he alerts the border-patrolling Minutemen to the wave of illegal immigrants on their way. Two extras, however, received minor burns from bullet-wound mimicking squibs in the ensuing “extreme justice” volley of Minutemen rifle fire.
10. The rumored cameo by Rush Limbaugh as “Man Number Two” in the scene about campus recruitment by terrorist sympathizing homosexuals is untrue. “Man Number Two”, who saves “Richard” (Jim Caviezel) from gay predation is played by Billy Ray Cyrus.
11. The rumored cameo by Steven Seagal as “Rudolph Giuliani” is true.
12. Viewers will have a chance to interact! That’s right! In the final scene, call 1-900-FREEDOM to vote on whether “Richard” (Caviezel) and “Stacey” (Miley Cyrus) tie the knot in defiance of the Liberal Democrat’s Man-On-Man-Or-Dog-Only Marriage Act. Does love conquer all? We report, you decide!

Please enjoy responsibly. We welcome you to choose which 20-minute intermission broadcast you wish to see: a WWE Smackdown! vs. Raw preview (Spike TV), a special live performance by Toby Keith (ABC), an infomercial for Cialis with Bob Dole and Wilford Brimley (CBS), and the public execution of Noam Chomsky (NBC, FOX). Chomsky’s death rattle will be rated by American Idol judges Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson (II), and Paula Abdul.

*Look it up yourself.

Tags: Criticism, Culture, News/Media, Politics, Randy Just Being An Asshole, Religion

This entry was posted on Sunday, March 22nd, 2009 at 10:06 PM and is filed under Politics, Random Abuse. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.