Real Endings For Children’s Songs, Part 3

This song is incredibly annoying. Perhaps that explains the ending.

The wheels on the bus go round and round,
round and round,
round and round.
The wheels on the bus go round and round,
all through the town.

The wipers on the bus go, Swish, swish, swish;
Swish, swish, swish;
Swish, swish, swish.
The wipers on the bus go, Swish, swish, swish,
all through the town.

The horn on the bus goes, Beep, beep, beep;
Beep, beep, beep;
Beep, beep, beep.
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Real Endings For Children’s Songs, Part 2

Today, we examine “The Diarrhea Song.” I think you’ll find the ending more appropriately reflects the innumerable verses of this song…

When you’re sliding into first
And your pants begin to burst
Diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re sliding into two
And your pants are filled with goo
Diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re sliding into third
And you feel a greasy turd
Diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re sliding into home
And the paramedics come
And you’re bursting capillaries
From your chronic dysentery
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Real Endings For Children’s Songs, Part 1

I’ve had a lot of schooling in children’s songs. As a child, I sang them, and as an adult, I still sing them. Only louder and more annoyingly. Also, Noelle’s little buds have sung a few of their own.
But being children’s songs, they do tend to get a little boring, so more often than any dignified adult should, I find myself thinking of alternative lyrics, most of which I eventually sing to Gabe, Samara, and Noelle. Take today’s song, for example. “Five Little Monkeys” has also been called “(Insert random number) Little Monkeys”, but I’ll stick to the … There’s more of this shit. Click here.

Fly Girl

My wife recently reminded me of an old saying. Of course, she was using it quite literally, as we have had a recent and massive immigration of household pests. And no, I’m not talking about a grade-school sleepover.

However, it reminded me of a conversation I’d had once, when I was yet a bachelor.
The problem with dating while being on the road – particularly as a comic (or musician) – is that 95% of the people that you meet are in their early twenties. Which would be fine if I was also of an age, … There’s more of this shit. Click here.

Press The Star Key To Go Fuck Yourself

It happened while I was on the line with the Charter Communications automated tech support.

The stilted, creepily cheery faux-female voice was droning on in the usual blend of dumbed-down legalese and unhelpful suggestions when I grew irritated enough with the lack of results that I spoke the magic word.
I’ve learned to use the word, since most of those automated “help” systems are not remotely helpful. The magic word is, “person”. It is the word which will whisk you away from the horribly stunted, electronic options and sends you to a living, breathing human being … There’s more of this shit. Click here.