Where The Rubber Meets The Road

This is a short one, but it springs to mind whenever I am called to duty.

The itsy bitsy spider
Crawled up the water spout.
Down came the rain
And washed the spider out.
Out came the sun
And dried up all the rain,
And the itsy bitsy spider heard the horrible shriek of my wife as she ran away, and five minutes later, I killed it with a paper towel.

The End.

This song is incredibly annoying. Perhaps that explains the ending.

The wheels on the bus go round and round,
round and round,
round and round.
The wheels on the bus go round and round,
all through the town.

The wipers on the bus go, Swish, swish, swish;
Swish, swish, swish;
Swish, swish, swish.
The wipers on the bus go, Swish, swish, swish,
all through the town.

The horn on the bus goes, Beep, beep, beep;
Beep, beep, beep;
Beep, beep, beep.
The horn on the bus goes, Beep, beep, beep,
all through the town.

The money on the bus goes, Clink, clink, clink;
Clink, clink, clink;
Clink, clink, clink.
The money on the bus goes, Clink, clink, clink,
all through the town.

The Driver on the bus says, “Move on back,
I’m smoking crack,” he has a heart attack.
Now the bus is heading for a cliff,
AAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee……

The End.

Today, we examine “The Diarrhea Song.” I think you’ll find the ending more appropriately reflects the innumerable verses of this song…

When you’re sliding into first
And your pants begin to burst
Diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re sliding into two
And your pants are filled with goo
Diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re sliding into third
And you feel a greasy turd
Diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re sliding into home
And the paramedics come
And you’re bursting capillaries
From your chronic dysentery
And they try defibrillation
But you’ve died of dehydration
Diarrhea, diarrhea

The End.

I’ve had a lot of schooling in children’s songs. As a child, I sang them, and as an adult, I still sing them. Only louder and more annoyingly. Also, Noelle’s little buds have sung a few of their own.
But being children’s songs, they do tend to get a little boring, so more often than any dignified adult should, I find myself thinking of alternative lyrics, most of which I eventually sing to Gabe, Samara, and Noelle. Take today’s song, for example. “Five Little Monkeys” has also been called “(Insert random number) Little Monkeys”, but I’ll stick to the original – except, of course for the ending. Enjoy.

Five little monkeys jumping on the bed.
One fell off and bumped his head.
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
“No more monkeys jumping on the bed!”

Four little monkeys jumping on the bed.
One fell off and bumped his head.
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
“No more monkeys jumping on the bed!”

Three little monkeys jumping on the bed.
One fell off and bumped his head.
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED!!!!!”

Two little monkeys jumping on the bed.
One fell off and bumped his head.
Mama called the doctor and the doctor called Social Services, and now Mama has court-appointed counseling, and is allowed supervised visitation of the little monkeys in a foster home where they are given enough love and attention that they stay off the goddamn bed.

The End.

Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of this sort of thing in my inbox (my comments in red):

MICROWORD CORPORATIONS: (It sounds close enough to “Microsoft”, doesn’t it? Sort of like how K-Mart has “Sanyo” so that stupid people will think they’re buying Sony)
CUSTOMER SERVICE, MADRID SPAIN (Won’t work. I’ve known too many Spaniards.)
REFERENCE NUMBER: SUN/ESP/E-6587
BATCH NUMBER: 2008/430/CA
LINK :http://www.microword.com/

OFFICIAL WINNING NOTIFICATION. (OFFICIAL CAPS LOCK KEY BROKEN)
We are pleased to inform you of the released results of the Sweepstakes Promotion organized by Microword Corporations (you can tell the “sweepstakes” is official, because they capitalized it),
in conjunction with the foundation for the promotion of software products (suddenly unofficial), held this May, 2009 here in Madrid,Spain (Oh, I remember now – from when I was there never).
Where your email address emerged (after much struggle and vetting, I assume) as one of the online winning emails, in the 3rd category and therefore attracted a cash
award of 450,000.00 (Four Hundred and Fifty Thousand Euros Only) (I guess I’m not the only one using side, parenthetical remarks, but I did just make very liberal use of the word “parenthetical”) and a Toshiba laptop (Holy shit!!!!! Fuck the Euros, I’m free at last!).

To begin your claim (venture into gullible stupidity, that is), file the release of your winning by contacting our Foreign Transfer Manager (you know, the dude who made all this shit up so as to take you fo a few thousand) via email or by telephone
below.

These are your (totally made up, bullshit) identification numbers:

Batch number……………..FRE/ESP/E-6587
Reff number………………2008/430/CA (“Reff”? Really?!? Is this some sophisticated European abbreviation I don’t know about?)

CONTACT EVENTS TRANSFER MANAGER Send your winning identification numbers (USE ALL CAPS AND NO PUNCTUATION)

Mr. Harrison Larson
Tel/ 0034-645-749-452
Fax/ 0034 911-817-496
Email:microwordinfo@yahoo.cl (WOW!!!!! What an awesome, globe-trotting, international software corporation you have, considering you have to use fucking yahoo email.)

You are therefore advised to send the following information to the (randomly capitalized) Foreign transfer manager to facilitate them and process the COURIER (another random caps lock failure) of your prize.

1. Full name………….. (Do I include all the extra periods?)
2. Sex………….. (Apparently Spain hasn’t received the “it’s gender, you pig” memo)
3. Country…………….
4. State…………. (Why not “province”? Aren’t there any stupid Canadians you can rip off?)
5. Contact Address……..
6. Telephone Number……. (867-5309)
7. Marital Status………
8. Occupation………….
9. Age………………..
10.Nest Of Kin………. (Are we birds? Spellcheck your scam letters, dipshit.)
11.Zip Code………….

This Email Lottery is sponsored by Microword Corporations and all the members of MSFT Word Resource Consortium Software Promotion Companies (Or, “MSFTRCSPC” for, uh, short…) including Intel Group, Toshiba and Dell Computers (Dude, yer gettin’ a ripoff letter!). This internet E-mail draw is held periodically and
is organized to encourage the use of the Internet and promote computer literacy worldwide (Or to enrich two or less Spanish dudes with too much free time).
Congratulations!! (Go Fuck Yourself!!)

Sincerely,
Mrs.Regina Smith (Smith?!? Are you shitting me? Is anybody in your Spanish company Spanish?)
Promotions Manager